A message from Steffani: Helping children see past first impressions

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When life crushes us

Nobody escapes it—those times or days when life just crushes us or our kids. We can do all the things, but there are going to be seasons when we struggle. Today’s world is tough, especially on our kids, but on those times when I can look back on all the mistakes I made, I figure that the best thing I can do for my kids is to keep moving forward. Maybe they’ll see that I didn’t give up. That over time, I made better choices. And hopefully, they’ll see that they can too.

And for those tough days, we’ve reposted some positive affirmations to use and share with your kids from Big Life Journal. Use them in creative ways. We hope they ease your way.

We believe in you,

Wendy

Tell your child about a time someone seemed scary, strange, or hard to understand at first, but turned out to be kind.

This week’s story: The Lonely Elephant

Enjoy this fun story about an elephant wishing for a friend! Do you think we find the best friends by being ourselves or by trying to fit in?

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Listen to the jungle sounds with your child and whisper the answers.

2) Gesture having a long elephant nose.

3) Model the breathing technique for your child.

4) Praise your child for making their body feel heavy like an elephant.

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The Beauty of Repair

We all know the horror of realizing we’ve made a mistake that has hurt others. We’ve all been there. We also know the sweet relief of being forgiven. In an era of cancel culture, let’s sing the praises of repair! Our relationships are worth repairing and they will grow stronger than they were before the rupture. Our children need to know that our love is stronger than our mistakes. Here are a few steps that will help us to do the difficult, but worthwhile work of repair.

Wendy

Was there a time you messed up with a friend and were able to make it right? Share that story with your child.

This week’s story: Cat and Mouse

Enjoy this funny story about two friends who love cinnamony sugar yum yum cookies and how they repair a mistake that happens. After listening to the story, use the recipe from Steffani to make some cookie together!

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Invite you child to smell cinnamon.

2) Model the breathing exercise with your child.

3) Actively listen to the cat purring with your child.

4) Make Snickerdoodle cookies with your child (but not at bedtime).

A message from Steffani: Kids need to practice being brave when mom is not around

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Building confidence and independence is a trial and error thing

I was raised by a dad who knew he was dying and one of the things he felt strongly about is that we kids would be able to take care of ourselves once he was gone. I have a picture of me in kindergarten making french toast for the family breakfast, not because it was a special occasion, but because it was my turn.

I was raised by a mom who was very organized. She made fun and elaborate chore charts and we were expected to do weekly chores on Fridays.

The thing is, I felt a sense of accomplishment and pride in being an equal contributor to the family, even though I was one of the younger kids. I’m sure I didn’t always love doing my chores, but doing them was part of what gave my home a feeling of stability and calm, even during the time when my dad died.

Fast forward to my parenting years. I was determined to pass on this strong sense of responsibility and independence to my own children. I considered it my parental duty. But things didn’t go as I expected. It didn’t seem as if my children were as willing, able, or perhaps as compliant as I was. In fact, as adults they have expressed the opinion that having to do their own laundry as tweens and up was akin to neglect.

The reason I tell you this is, parenting is an imperfect process. The world changes along with the generations and my kid’s needs and temperaments were different from mine (and different from each other’s!) It takes a lot of patience and flexibility.

We try to keep it simple here at Parenting with Wink. We try to only share simple suggestions to create attachment with your kids. Like the below ideas that might help you foster independence in your kids. Just try your best and try what will work for your individual circumstance.

And guess what? Despite my imperfect parenting, my children have grown up to be responsible, independent adults. Yours will too.

Wendy

This week’s story: The Magical Mechanical Horse

Enjoy this fun story about a magical horse and a curious girl who had to do something brave even though her mother wasn’t around. Maybe after listening, your child can choose to do one brave thing without you.

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Draw a star in the air above your child to help them visualize it.

2) Model the breathing for your child.

3) Do the tapping with your child.

4) Tap your fingers lightly on your child’s face like star dust.

A message from Steffani: Your kids will feel their worth as you notice the worth of others.

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Switch the focus from self-esteem to inherent worth

We live in an achievement-based world. We talk about self-esteem a lot! But there’s something that’s deeper than finding what we’re good at or helping your kids have confidence and that’s Inherent Worth.

Inherent Worth isn’t found in talents or winning medals. If we find our worth in our achievements, than we’re likely to feel worthless when we fail.

Worth is found in being. Period. Are you alive and part of the human race? Congratulations! You already qualify for Inherent Worth!

The good news is Inherent Worth can bring your children more happiness, resilience, and courage. It’s a great foundation upon which to build a life. Below you’ll find some simple ideas that can help you and your children begin the beautiful journey to worth.

Wendy

Think of a time in your own childhood when you tried to seem bigger, funnier, smarter, or more impressive because you wanted to be noticed or liked. What did you really need in that moment, and how might that memory help you respond with more empathy when your child is seeking connection in the same way? Tell your own child about it.

This week’s story: King of the Monkeys

Monkey needs help and he thinks if Dolphin thinks he’s important that he’ll save him. This story helps us understand that we’re all inherently important.

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Model for your child what it looks like to go from jumpy monkey to calm dolphin.

2) Model the dolphin movement for your child, keep it calm.

3) Model the breathing technique for your child.

4) Say the affirmations aloud with your child.

A message from Steffani: A helpful tip to stop arguments!

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Activities to Practice Compromise

First let’s look at what compromise is and isn’t. Some kids think it means they have to always give up their way and that feels frustrating, but true compromise is so much better.

Try these activities to help practice this tentative give and take:

In the end, compromise can be creative and fun… and very satisfying. The more your kids practice, the more they’ll like it!

Wendy

Tell your child about a time when you and someone you cared about wanted different things, and how you found a way to make room for both ideas.

This week’s story: Superheroes vs Pirates

Listen to this story with your kids to see how two friends with two very different big ideas come together to create an even bigger, better idea. After the story, how can your kids practice putting two different ideas together? Like what to have for dinner, or what to play next, or what to draw in one big shared picture? You get the idea.

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Pretend to rock side to side with your child like you are on a pirate ship.

2) Model the super hero breath for your child.

3) Tell your child about a time that something like this happened to you.

4) Praise your child for a time they made room for 2 ideas in a game or activity.

A message from Steffani: How storytelling builds empathy

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When teaching empathy to kids, start close to home.

Empathy is such a big concept and may feel like an overwhelming task to pass on to your kids, but here’s some good news: One of the best ways to start teaching empathy to kids is to just work on their own emotional intelligence:

1. Help them to identify and name their emotions.

2. Ask where they feel the emotion in their bodies?

3. Teach that emotions are neither good or bad, they come and they go and give us information. Ask them what they think their current emotion is telling them? Are they hungry? Do they need a hug? Do their bodies need to move or rest?

These are the simple building blocks of emotional intelligence and the more savvy your kids are about their own feelings, they more they’ll be able to be empathetic to the feelings of others.

Wendy

This week’s story: The Four Brave Dragons!

Our four empathetic dragons come from a Chinese folktale. We thought you’d like to see the original tale:

In China long ago, there were no rivers or lakes - only the Eastern Sea. This sea was home to four dragons: The Long Dragon, The Black Dragon, The Pearl Dragon and The Yellow Dragon. One day, as these dragons were playing in the clouds above, they noticed that the people below were praying for rain. Because there had been no water, their plants were withering, and they had no food.

The dragons soon realized the people would die if they didn’t get help, so they went to see the Jade Emperor, who was in charge of the affairs in the Heavens and on Earth, and asked him to send rain. The Emperor agreed, and so the dragons went home happy. But after ten days, the rain didn’t come. The dragons decided that they needed to take matter into their own hands, and so they scooped up water from the Eastern sea, and showered it over the land, bringing water to the people. The people were thrilled, but the Jade Emperor was not.

Displeased that the dragons had done this without his permission, he commanded the mountain God to trap the four dragons under four mountains. Even in this state, the dragons decided they still wanted to help the people and continue to bring water to them. So, they turned into four rivers. The Black Dragon turned into the Heilongjian River, the Yellow Dragon in the Huanghe River, the Long Dragon into the Changjiang (Yangtze, or Long River) and the Pearl Dragon into the Zhujiang river. And that is how China’s four great rivers came to be.

We hope you enjoy Steffani’s version written especially for Wink!

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Hold your child gently while thinking about times you noticed your child helping.

2) Model the breathing pattern for your child.

3) Model the relaxation technique for your child.

4) When the story is done whisper about a time you noticed your child helping someone.

A message from Steffani: How a story helped my kids learn how to communicate

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Invite some curiosity and magic into your life!

Some of the favorite memories of my life, with and without my children, have come from being curious about the world around us: finding real leeches in a stream, making friends with a drummer from Ghana, seeing my first fireflies, going to our first storytelling festival and hearing stories from around the world, and traversing ice caves deep in the earth. Curiosity has brought such magic into our lives, and sometimes has changed our lives.

Curiosity can take some bravery. Choosing to approach something or someone new can feel uncomfortable—dangerous, even, but science tells us otherwise. Here are six research-based benefits we get from curiosity. They may surprise you:

1. Curiosity helps us survive. The urge to explore and seek novelty helps us remain vigilant and gain knowledge about our constantly changing environment.

2. Curious people are happier. Curiosity is associated with higher levels of positive emotions, lower levels of anxiety, more satisfaction with life, and greater psychological well-being.

3. Curiosity boosts achievement. Studies reveal that curiosity leads to more enjoyment and participation in school and higher academic achievement, as well as work performance.

4. Curiosity can expand our empathy. When we are curious about others and talk to people outside our usual social circle, we become better able to understand those with lives, experiences, and worldviews different than our own.

5. Curiosity helps strengthen relationships. People who ask and answer personal questions are seen as warmer and more attractive. Showing curiosity towards others is a great way to build closeness.

6. Curiosity improves healthcare. When doctors are genuinely curious about their patients, both doctors and patients report less anger and frustration and better decisions are made.

So, it’s a curious world out there—go explore!

Can you think of a time it was hard to understand someone who needed something?Tell your child the story.

This week’s story: The Little Green Goodnight

When Clara gets a strange visitor, she gets curious. Who is this tiny green guy? And what does he want? By asking questions and looking for clues, Clara is able to help her visitor and send him on his way happy.

And don’t miss this bonus: this episode contains a Wink lullaby, “Winkety Wink a Wink a Blink,” sung by Clara and the little green guy!

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1. Have fun practicing the alien language with your child.

2. Sway gently back and forth with your child.

3. Model the breathing technique with your child.

4. Add a little alien cheer at the end ZEE ZEE ZEE!

A message from Steffani: Here’s some important questions to ask that encourage flexible thinking.

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Flexible thinking can take time

Flexible thinking is a critical executive functioning skill, but it may seem like your two year old has zero ability to be flexible. Hang in there. Keep modeling flexibility and keep encouraging it through work and play and most kids will grow into it. I can’t imagine more inflexible kids than some of my toddlers, but they all grew up to be quite flexible—even my child with autism. In the meantime, here’s some ways to grow more flexibility in ways where everyone can have fun.

Wendy

Have you ever had a time when you thought something was right, but it wasn't? How did you change your mind?

Can you tell your child the story about it?

This week’s story: Fox and the big BOOM!

Steffani workshops every story in her local elementary school’s first grade classes before bringing the stories to Wink. One child there has a favorite stuffed animal fox and requested a story about a fox. This story was inspired by that and by an ancient Indian folk tale. Fox models flexible thinking by coming up with all sorts of creative possibilities for what is making a mysterious BOOM sound in the forest. After listening to the story with your kids, try putting a mystery item inside a bag and take turns putting your hand inside the bag and feeling the mystery item. How many possibilities can you come up for what might be in the bag? It’s not about guessing the right thing, it’s about creativity and flexibility! How many silly guesses can you come up with?

Happy Listening!

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1. You can draw the items listed in the air to help your child visualize. Or after the story is over, you can draw the pictures you saw in your head on paper.

2. Model how to do the tapping to the beat of the drum.

3. Model the deep breathing for your child.

4. Ask your child about a time they had fun exploring outside.

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Let’s increase our awareness about sensory sensitivities

The little troll in this week’s story refused to take a bath because he was afraid of the water due to sensory sensitivities. Sensory sensitivities are common. All of us have preferences around taste, textures, sounds, and more, but for some people, these sensitivities can be overwhelming and can lead to reactions that can be misunderstood as behavioral problems, learning difficulties, or inattention. Awareness can go along way to smoothing the way for our sensitive little ones.

Did you know there are 8 senses? Here’s the list from Autism Parents Magazine.

1. Visual (sight) is a child’s ability to see things such as colors, shapes, depth, lighting, and to scan and filter out visual information.

2. Auditory (hearing) is a child’s ability to hear, listen, filter, and selectively attend to auditory stimuli. It also affects speech and language.

3. Tactile (touch) is anything that can be touched and felt on a child’s body thru their skin receptors.

4. Olfactory (smell) is a child’s ability to smell if something is good or bad. The sense of smell is connected to emotions in the brain and can cause feelings of comfort and alarm.

5. Gustatory (taste) is the child’s ability to determine what foods and/or drinks they like and what to stay away from. It is a way for a child to decide if something is dangerous to ingest based on if it tastes good or bad.

6. Vestibular (located in the inner ear and helps with balance) is the child’s ability to identify when they are sitting, lying down, upside down, standing, spinning, etc.

7. Proprioception (senses from muscles, joints, and ligaments) is a child’s internal sense that allows them to know where their body parts are “in space.”

8. Interoception (senses from internal organs): A child’s ability to identify internal functions such as hunger, thirst, and when to use the bathroom.

We can be either over-sensitive or under-sensitive to our sensory stimuli. Here are some signs to watch for with kids who are oversensitive:

• They are easily startled and show extreme fear of sudden and loud sounds.

• They may be distracted by background noises that others don’t hear.

• They are easily overwhelmed by people and seek out quiet spots.

• They are bothered by bright lights.

• They are uncomfortable with touch and often avoid hugs and cuddling.

• They refuse to wear itchy or uncomfortable clothing.

• They have a strong reaction to certain foods, smells, or textures.

• They get upset about small changes in routine and trying new activities.

Here are some signs of undersensitivity:

• They are constantly touching objects.

• They squirm and fidget.

• They are easily distracted.

• They play rough.

• They have a high pain tolerance.

• They may harm others or pets because they are unaware of their own strength.

• They look clumsy or uncoordinated by bumping into things.

• They take physical risks that can be dangerous at times, known as a “thrill seeker.”

• They invade personal space.

When my autistic child was young, he was over-sensitive to food, but under-sensitive to his interoception. All sorts of combinations are possible! The good news is we can often help our children grow out of these sensitivities or at least give them copying skills as they mature. To learn more, here’s a great resource from Autism Parenting Magazine: The Ultimate Guide to Sensory Processing Disorder.

This week’s story: No Baths for Little Troll

An original story by Steffani Raff

No matter what Papa Troll tries, Little Troll refuses to take a bath. Finally, Papa Troll asks some important questions that finds a great solution that works for everyone. Includes a fun scrubby wash song.

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Gently point to each body part mentioned in the body scan.

2) Model sending a breath to each body part.

3) Model the tree breaths to specific place for your child.

4) Give your child a gentle hug at the end.

Message from Steffani: The power of naming what we value

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When thinking about friends, let’s change up the question!

Change: Why can’t I make friends?

To: What am I looking for in a friend? And: How can I be that kind of friend?

We don’t only want our kids to have friends, but we want them to have really good friends… and to be a really good friend too. Have conversations where your kids can verbalize what they think makes a good friend. Common answers include:

• is nice

• takes turns

• listens

Then have a conversation about whether they think they have these qualities. Once you know what your kids value, it’s easier to encourage them to practice those values. It take practice to listen or to take turns. When we focus on what we can change—an internal locus of control—we will find more success than when we focus on external things we cannot control.

Wendy

This week’s story: The Girl with the Bowl on Her Head

Ami is shy about making friends and when she asks her Grandmother for help, she asks Ami to do something hard. Will this help Ami find a really good friend? The story is an original version of a Japanese folk tale.

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Pretend to have a bowl on your head with your child.

2) Model the breathing technique.

3) Model the mindful movement; keep it slow and calm.

4) Whisper the affirmations with your child.

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Stop being a problem solver (with your kids anyway)

I’m telling you, I’m a world-class problem solver. Just give a challenge, let me dig into it and I’m happy. I’ve always enjoyed being a proactive person, but I can see now, being a problem solver in my kid’s lives was probably one of the least helpful things I did.

• I gave advice when I should have listened

• I gave answers when I should have asked questions

• I fixed things, when I should have let them struggle

Parenting in the late 80’s and 90’s when I had small children was really focused around safety. It was a scary world out there and it felt necessary. It’s still scary out there, but more than ever, we need to shift from an idea of Safety-Focused to Productive Struggle:

Research concludes that children who are allowed to struggle with problems before being shown the solution have better outcomes with learning and conceptual understanding. It builds cognitive endurance.

In the end, when we fix things for our kids, we are telling them we don’t think they are capable of handling things on their own, and that’s what it boils down to for me. This is still hard for me. I have to try hard not to try to fix things, but these basic ideas help me to reflect. I hope you find them helpful too.

Wendy

This week’s story: The Star-Bellied Robot

Nate has a dream so big, it’s going to take a lot of grit to make it come true. Will he keep trying?

Listen to the Story

4 ways to create attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Model squeezing your hands at your heart.

2) Model a frustrated face to echo the feeling.

3) Show your child how to explode arms up and out while blowing hard.

4) Say the robot affirmations with your child.

A message from Steffani: Put your parents to bed night

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What do we do with bedtimes?

I’m a morning person and it often felt like both insult and injury to have to do one of the harder tasks of parenting when I was the most tired. I have a memory of trying valiantly to read to my youngest as I kept falling asleep. This child would say, “Mom! Mom!” as they poked my cheeks and shook my shoulder. I’d wake up and try some more, only to fall asleep again. I think they found it a great game. I found it to be torture.

The truth about bedtime is it can be a powerful tool. Your kids are the most motivated to spend time with you, even if it’s just to stay up a little longer, so it’s a great chance to check in with them and to repair any missteps of the day. So if you can keep your eyes open a little longer, check out the ideas below to make bedtimes a little more sane.

Wendy

This week’s story: What Do We Do with the Baby-o?

Enjoy this fun folk song/story about a family who can’t get their baby to sleep!

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Show your child making your body look like a tree.

2) Show your child what you body would look like as a cooked noodle.

3) Lead the movement calmly to help your child relax.

4) Model the baby breath for your child.

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My most remembered mother advice

Out of all the things I told my kids growing up—and I told them a lot!—there one little bit of advice that I hear them still talk about as adults more than any other. It went something like this:

My pre-teens or teens would come to me feeling sad that no one was reaching out to them to invite them to do something. They were feeling lonely and rejected. I simply told them that what’s going on is most everyone is sitting home feeling the same. THEY could be the one to reach out and they would, most likely, find a grateful friend on the other end. I watched them tentatively try it, often with success, grow confident, and eventually, as adult, they have become strong gatherers and community makers.

Now, pre-teens/teens are a different ballgame then younger children, and your kids may have extenuating circumstances or need help to bridge that divide, but at the heart of this advice is an unchanging truth that can be applied to everyone: Most people want more friends and/or social interaction, but are nervous about how to go about it. I’d even say a lot of people are lonely out there.

Just realizing that we’re all in the same boat takes some of the pressure off. My advice today would look like this:

There’s no shortage of friends out there,

Wendy

This week’s story: Hide and Seek in the Coral Reef

Cedric the seahorse wants to make friends, but is too slow to join the other sea creatures in their game of tag. Can he get brave enough to introduce a new game called hide and seek? Will they like it? Will they like him?

Listen to the Story

4 ways to create attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Show your child how to catch a warm breath on their hand.

2) Model the breathing technique for your child.

3) Prompt your child with specific friends he/she can imagine.

4) Say the affirmations with your child.

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Understanding Impulse Control with ADHD

ADHD was another thing I didn’t have any experience with when my kids were little, or so I thought. I may have not known much about ADHD, but I was raising at least one child with high levels of impulsivity and little to no ability to delay gratification. Before I could do anything to help, I needed to understand how ADHD was showing up in our lives. Can you or your kids relate to any of the following signs?

• Interrupting Conversations: Frequently cutting others off mid-sentence without realizing it.

• Impulse Buying: Making unplanned purchases you later regret, causing financial strain and potentially exacerbating mental health issues.

• Difficulty Waiting: Struggling to wait in lines or for your turn in activities, even when you’re excited to be a part of something good or beneficial to you.

• Emotional Outbursts: Reacting intensely to minor frustrations or challenges.

• Procrastination: Putting off tasks until the last minute and then rushing through them impulsively, which may happen even after planning tasks ahead of time, or shutting down completely.

Slowing down our bodies and/or responses is possible. It’s a skill that can be practiced. The great thing is most of the simple techniques we use in Wink are good for this. The main idea is to STOP or pause before taking off on an impulse. Try these:

• Deep breathing is always our best go-to. It naturally calms and slows us down. Try breathing like an animal: Bee (long humming through closed lips.) Rabbit (breathing quickly through your nose.) Lion (stick out your tongue as far as you can and give a long powerful outbreath. Can you and your child make up other animals breaths?

• Tapping naturally slows things down too. Try tapping on the body part that wants to go fast. Does your child want to run fast when it’s time to sit? Have them tap an alternating pattern on their leg. Does your child want to snatch and grab? Try tapping on hands and arms. Let them create their own patterns. Combining these first two ideas strengthens its power.

• Since we’re literally trying to slow down their bodies to give their thinking brain time to catch up, why not make a game of going in slow motion? How slow can you move around the room. Can you have a slo mo race? Who can get to the finish line very last?

Any activity that encourages us to stop, pause, and breathe will give the prefrontal cortex part of our brain a change to weigh in and when that happens, better decisions get made.

Wendy

This week’s story: Snatchasaurus

It’s all about learning how to slow down bodies that move faster than brains. It includes a rap song that you could use with your kids.

Listen to the Story

4 ways to create attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Model the breathing technique for your child.

2) Use your fingers to show 1, 2, 3.

3) Trace your fingers and breathe as you trace.

4) Repeat the phrases with your child.

A message from Steffani: Don’t let Google kill your child’s curiosity!

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Where did I put my Curiosity?

Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.
– Albert Einstein

As I sit here at my computer thinking about curiosity and children, I can’t help thinking instead, “What happened to my curiosity?” I was a highly imaginative child in every way. I’d even say I was a highly imaginative parent and adult up through my forties, but now I’m left to wonder, “What happened?”

The simple answer is trauma, stress, guilt, bad health, and fatigue or some sort of similar combination. But…

I miss my curiosity. I miss my joy. I miss being silly. Lately, I’ve been trying to remember the old songs that I used to sing at the top of my lungs with such fervor when I was young, like Take Me Out to the Ballgame and The Animal Fair. I’m afraid, not all those songs hold the same joy for me, but there are a few gems, like Sing a Song from Sesame Street that still breathe with the same old magic. So I’m starting to sing them again, and I’m on the hunt for more like them. (Try Happiness Is from You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown!)

All this to say that this curiosity list I’ve dreamt up is as much for you as for your children. Life will try to drum the joy out of your soul for lots of practical reasons, but you don’t need to join the effort. Fight it tooth and nail! When all is said and done, I’m finding I have very little use for the practical, while I would give just about anything for curiosity, joy, and magic… I just need to remember where I left it.

A Few Silly Ideas to Foster Curiosity in Yourself and Your Children:

• Put on the song that made you the happiest in high school—very loudly—and dance around your kitchen (even if you’re huffing and puffing before the end of the first verse.)

• Go on an expedition in search of ponds in the Spring. See if you can discover frogs, tadpoles, and other enchanting (or enchanted?) creatures.

• Read the book that swept you off you feet when you were a child—to your child—by candlelight.

• Keep a Wonder List. What are you and your kids wondering about? Here’s how to answer your wonderings (in this precise order): 1) Think up the most ridiculous, preposterous answer you can think of. The sillier, the better. 2) Ask the oldest person you know for the answer (take milk and cookies with you*) 3) Ask the youngest person you know that can talk for the answer. (see above*) 4) Pray. 5) Contemplate the answer while laying on your backs under the stars. Don’t rush this step. 6) Wander through the stacks in the oldest library you can find. 6) Avoid online sources at all costs.

• Befriend as many fireflies as you can.

This list absolutely has no end. No right or wrong answers. No time limit. It’s just up to you: What can you and your children add to what I’ve started?

Happy Wanderings,

Wendy Folsom

Here’s our story this week. It’s all about wondering and curiosity. We hope you enjoy it!

Ibbity and the Strongest Thing

A folktale adapted and told by Steffani Raff

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Point to an item in the room that answers each question.

2) Model the breathing technique for your child.

3) Use your fingers to count the breaths.

4) Tap your own chest to the rhythm to show your child what it looks like.

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Common myths about childhood anxiety

When kids have anxiety, they are notoriously silent about it. Some of my children had massive amounts of anxiety growing up, in all kinds of flavors: generalized, social anxiety, OCD, phobias. The problem was that my brain was not wired this way and I just didn’t see it, or discounted it as a lesser problem than it was. And they weren’t coming to me to talk about it. How I wish I had been more aware.

So let’s first talk about some warning signs that your child might be struggling. Here’s some signs provided by the CDC:

• Fear about being away from parents.

• Extreme fear about a specific situation or thing, like dogs.

• Afraid of situations where there are a lot of people, such as school.

• Avoiding activities they used to enjoy.

• Trouble going to sleep

• Fatigue, headaches, stomach-aches.

A lot of these things can look like normal childhood experiences, so they can be easy to dismiss. Building trust and attachment with your children can make the difference. If we are regularly taking time to ask about, be curious about, and talking about our emotions, we open the door to the needed conversations to assess our child’s needs.

So let’s look at some common misconceptions about childhood anxiety:

(Follow this link to read more of this excellent resource provided by the folks at Kids Included Together.)

Through trial and error, I am now starting to have the rich conversations with my adult kids about their anxiety. I’m so glad they feel they can reach out to me for support. As parents, we’re not always going to get it right, nor can we solve all of our children’s problems, but we can provide a safe attachment space where conversations about anxiety can happen.

You’re doing great!

Wendy

This week’s story all about social anxiety:

The Dragon Who Couldn’t Breathe Fire

Listen to the Story

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Model resting without worry.

2) Model the flower breath for your child.

3) Hold up a finger for each breath.

4) Whisper, “I belong,” with your child.

Listen to the Story on Spotify

Listen to the Story on Apple Podcasts

4 ways to create attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Model standing like a flamingo in a slow relaxed yoga type of movement.

2) Model the wing flapping in a slow yoga type movement.

3) Model the deep breathing for your child.

4) Tap your own heart beat with your child.

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A message from Steffani: The beauty of unrealistic expectations

Go ahead! Dream Big!

I learned a lot from Steffani’s story, “Fly Me to the Moon.” Initially, I was surprised by the parents and grandparents reaction to Flossie the flamingo’s declarations that she was going to fly to the moon. There was not one comment of concern, nor did anyone give Flossie a reality check. I’m afraid that might have been my parental reaction, after all, a flamingo trying to get to the moon could be dangerous! I might have laid out all the scientific impossibilities of the idea.

Instead, her family encouraged Flossie—they cheered her on! They also gently redirected her into smaller goals that she could reasonably accomplish that pushed her abilities: first, fly across the stream, then fly across the pond, then fly across the lake. Flossie eventually figured out for herself that her big plan wasn’t going to work. No one needed to pop that bubble—life has a way of doing that without any help. You know what else Flossie figured out on her own? That in the pursuit of an impossible dream, she developed grit and stellar flying skills.

So let your kids dream big! Cheer them on! Keep your focus on the process and the growth that comes with learning new skills. Here’s some simple ideas that might help your kids along their way:

Listen to the Story on Spotify

Listen to the Story on Apple Podcasts

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Model slow, pushups against the wall or on the bed for your child.

2) Pretend to put 10 round coconuts on your child’s chest for the breathing exercise.

3) Model the belly breathing for your child.

4) Say the mantras with your child.

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A message from Steffani: Help your kids discover the magic of going slow

Attachment = Going slow and listening

At Wink, we’re all about building attachment with our children. Every episode is designed with this in mind. Our dearest wish is that you take the time to listen to an episode with your children and play along with the stories and mindfulness activities together. It’s a good recipe for attachment. But we would guess more often than not, children are listening alone, often after having had books read to them by a parent, and Wink is designed for that too.

This week’s story is all about the virtues of going slow. I don’t know about you, but my years of mothering young children raced along at breakneck speed. I wouldn’t dare suggest you need to slow all that down, but this week, we hope you can find any ordinary, common opportunity to slow down with your kids—just a moment really—to take a breath, to notice something together, to listen.

When we make suggestions on Wink, we try not to overload your life with more expectations. We try to create simple helps to consider what might add value, lower stress, and be easy to implement. We hope you’ll enjoy one or more of these go-slow activities, or dream up some of your own.

Wendy

Kitchen Magic

Here’s one of Steffani’s favorite recipes to do with her kids in the kitchen—Pizza dough! She also loves making cookies. You can hear a real-life story about her daughter Abby, and her first time making cookies when she was little. Season 1 episode 10: The Cookie Puzzle (includes the cookie recipe!

Listen to The Cookie Puzzle

Listen on Spotify

Listen on Apple Podcast

4 ways to build attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Hold your fingers up like ten candles on a birthday cake, when your child blows fold one finger down for each blow.

2) Model breathing deeply for your child.

3) Pretend to draw in the air together when your child is imagining their feelings.

4) Give your child a hug after blowing out all 10 candles at once.

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A message from Steffani: Listening through the loss

The story behind the story

There really is a little girl who lost the birthday card she made for her dad. Yes, it had a cyclops on it, and yes, she made a second cyclops card, and yes, she found it and gave her dad two cyclops cards for his birthday. Her name is Olive and she’s a Wink listener. When Steffani heard the story, she thought it would make a great Wink story and the rest is history. So Olive, this week’s story is for you!

Grieving and Loss

It’s one thing for your kids to have big feelings over an item they’ve lost, but quite another to help them grieve through life’s bigger losses, such as moving, divorce, or death. First, we encourage you to seek professional help, if needed. Grieving is a long and complicated process and we all need help and support. Here’s some simple ideas that will offer some of that support for young children:

Listen on Spotify

Listen on Apple Podcasts

4 ways to create attachment as you listen to this story together:

1) Whisper, “That’s a mad cloud.” And point to it like it’s floating away.

2) Model the big belly breath for your child.

3) Use your fingers to show 1, 2, 3 with the breath.

4) During the dream and wish gently draw circles on your child’s palm with your finger.

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A message from Steffani: resiliancy and flexibility

Plan B and Emotional Awareness

I have a vivid memory of a plan we had to go to a fast food restaurant on a Friday evening when my children were young. This was a rare treat and we all looked forward to it all day. Then last minute, plans changed and we were not going to drive into the city the way we thought. We were still going to visit a near-by fast food restaurant, just not the one we had originally planned on.

I have an autistic son who was a preschooler at the time and he had a complete meltdown. He was inconsolable and no amount of reasoning would calm him down. He was in no state to listen to a plan B. I always tried to prepare him for change, which normally helped, but this time, the change came suddenly. Luckily, we had just enough time for him to blow off his emotions and to adjust. He calmed down and we went on to have a nice evening.

With small children, big emotions can come on fast and unexpectedly. Increasing their emotional intelligence will help. This can be as simple as giving them awareness and language around their emotions:

• Ask them what they are feeling. Help them to identify the emotion’s name.

• Ask them where in their body they are feeling the emotion. This helps them be more connected to their bodies, and therefore, their emotions.

• Help them be curious about their emotions. Ask them why they are feeling that emotion.

• Show empathy for their emotions.

Until we help them process their emotions, we can’t really expect them to respond rationally or clearly. Their big emotions have hijacked the thinking part of their brain. The following chart may help you discuss emotions to your children:

The green emotions are a place where our frontal cortex can think and reason, but the yellow and red emotions are ones that begin to overwhelm and over excite our frontal cortex, while blue emotions are a state of underwhelm that begin to shut down our ability to think clearly.

The emotions on this chart might help you and your child start to identify their feelings. What emotions could you add to the chart? Conversations about emotions when they are calm can really build tools for when they are not.

Once you’ve gone through the steps above, you can help your child apply some of the strategies your kids have learned on Wink: deep breathing, tapping, humming… or the emotion clouds activity Steffani leads in this episode. We’ve included a pinwheel pattern you can color, cut out, and use. Add bits of cotton ball on the tips of your pinwheel to represent the emotion clouds. When it’s time to blow those clouds away, just blow and your clouds will spin far, far away. Now your brain is ready to think of a plan B.

Wendy

P. S. A big shout out to a Wink listener, Gretel, who asked Steffani for a story about a pig—her favorite animal. This week’s story is for you!